It's 2am and I have trouble sleeping.
For a good reason.
Perhaps I've been more free lately, the quiet nights are when I start falling into my deep thinking stage and I could be staring at the walls for several hours, not doing anything.
Tonight, however, I feel a little down. "My thoughts are stars I cannot fathom into constellations", hence I'm gonna try to be as rational and sane as I could penning the following down:
A vivid memory scanned across my mind as I remembered the one moment which made me the saddest during the last month.
I stood in front of the door as I heard a couple of people whom I really love and care for deeply, voicing our their dissatisfaction of me, unaware that I was just behind the opened door, accidentally overhearing and taking everything in.
I ran into my room, almost crying, and I saw a fellow friend looking at me. I closed my doors to drown the voices of those that I really love still talking about me, to no avail. I, actually WE could still hear them clearly. WE were silent for a while, taking everything in. WE stare at each other awkwardly. I was embarrassed. I went out.
And when I came back still crying, I feel as though I lost support. No one asked how I feel, knew I went out, and even dragging me out of my comfort zone to listen to their sappy stories. I spent the next 3 hours listening to 5 people's sappy stories. I only slept at a corner of a bed at 7am.
The next day no one remembered anything. I was left crying inside, constantly reminding myself that I still love them and will not stop loving them just because they fucked up one night and left me the saddest.
At that night, I learnt that I was a party pooper, a controlling woman and an irrational loser. I learnt that it's no fun being the only sober one in a group. I learnt that I must have a damn big heart to attempt to forget that night.
Don't get me wrong - the incident has passed, it's no one's conscious fault and I have forgave everyone and everything. However I do admit I have trouble forgetting.
Sometimes the vivid memory of the exact scene plays in my head out of nowhere. The exact lines I heard about me plays in my ear out of nowhere, with the exact tone and words. And then out of nowhere my mood would just hit rock bottom.
A particular friend has told me to not take anything personally. I understand and I've done a good job trying to forget. Lately it has been better, because I have learnt to make jokes out of it. Take your pain and turn it into a laughing matter.
As long as it's not 2am, and you're alone overthinking.
I love everyone and I care for as much as I could. Sometimes I question if others would do the same for me. I feel like people only want to talk to me at the very last minute when they need me. I'm not their "fun" friend, not their "gossip" friend, not their "spontaneous" buddies etc. I'm their "last advice".
As much as I love that my loved ones are trusting me enough to take my words, I picture that I'm the last person they would save out of a drowning boat.
I feel like an empty soul. I now have the mindset that everyone's friends with me for that one particular reason only.
I apologise for this melancholic post. I will be better in the morning.
xx.
