here's me lying on the chairs resting during malaysian studies lesson
This is a lil self-discovery post.
I've always knew there was something weird about the way I think. Not wrong, not right, but as my maid will call it, "abnormal". Some of my closest people will understand that I do not own a happy childhood. I'm not gonna elaborate much on that, but most people shall know that I do not speak fondly about my childhood, and sometimes, my family.
Since young, the amount of time I spent with my family (parents especially) is a lot lesser than average families out there. Until today, I get extremely jealous looking at tight, happy families (better if there's arguments because arguments signifies caring towards one another). I feel so horrible asking a particular someone to spend more time with me and not his/her family because I am jealous, and I don't want him/her to own that happiness.
This kinda leads to me being a perfectionist. In whatever I do, I challenge myself to be the one standing out. I hate it when someone does something I like way better than me. I hate it when someone shares the same interests as me but they stand out better than I do. Sometimes I'll be thinking "bitch you already have life's greatest happiness let me have this shot". Since young, I've been craving for too much. And those cravings seemed impossible to achieve.
I'm not denying, I have a great social circle. I have deric. I still have my family. But I want more. I think too much everytime I see people. I have major trust issues due to my childhood. And because of that, I have constant fear of people leaving me and growing up alone. I was never reassured, I was never allowed to express. Since high school graduation, I see my ex classmates differently. Will they remember me? Will they talk to me? How will they see me now? I am afraid of people leaving my life when I'm starting to feel comfortable, because since young, I've never really feel like I belong. I adapt to situations a lot harder than most people, but it seems like everytime I do, I have to get our of that situation.
Perhaps that factor is influenced by my move from brunei to KL. And from one house to another. And from one school to another. From one neighbourhood to another. And my parents constant flying. And my friends' happy tight families. And my constant switch of best friends, 'till I stopped believing in one.
I remember this one day before spm, I was writing my study timetable 'till I suddenly got this panic attack. I suddenly remembered how I finally belong in Alpha. I remembered how comfortable I am there. I remembered how happy I was, having to come to school everyday to the sight of people I love. I remembered how I could see my fav girlfriends, boyfriends and deric everyday. And I also remembered how it will all end in a few weeks. And I started weeping, I broke down and I couldn't stop crying. Deric sensed it somehow and drove to my house after his night tuition classes and comfort me, reassured me and got me through my fear. I feel like this is somehow related to my childhood, how I'll never find a permanent spot to feel comfortable, because everytime I found one, I have to leave/move/be gone.
My family, we don't really get emotional with each other. That's why it sucks having to be sad and down during late night and have nobody to turn to. No one understands why I'm sad because everyone assumes my life is great. Even deric questions my constant mood swings, but I don't blame him, because to explain my mood swings, I have to explain everything since childhood and how it affects me now. I don't blame anyone if they don't understand.
I hate how I have so many excuses to me acting irrationally/sad/dramatic. Perhaps it sounds better to say that I'm crazy, than having to explain my whole life over again. I like to link things, for example, when I'm sad because my friends are having a good time without me, I'll release my anger out on everyone, especially deric (pity him lol have to clean up my emotional mess) and they'll get angry, and I'll feel bad, then out of guilt I raise my voice, then they'll scold me, then I'll scold them, then they'll ask whether I'm crazy, then only I'll link it to childhood fear/future fear/growing up fear etc etc. I'll always find a way to "connect the dots", and I know I'll always find the root of every problem.
Why do I not seem sad about the past and future, you ask? I avoid them. I avoid talking about the past because I know I'm gonna break down. I don't reminisce much about high school, because I know I'm never going back. I just avoid sadness these days and try to look at the bright side. Once, I've been living in the past too much, I got extremely sad about the current life I'm living, I slit my wrist. Don't get me wrong, I didn't want to die, I just wanna feel the pain physically, so it could drown my emotional pain. I'm afraid to admit this because I know you guys will say I'm crazy. No one will understand my true intention. I didn't mean to die.
Besides those, I have a lot of personal encounters during my childhood, that causes me to have a lot of fears right now. For instant, like fear of swimming, fear of heights etc. I really hate how I can't grow out of it. I'm trying so hard...
If my life was written as a book, most of the pages will be black. I don't know how to get out of my childhood fears and sadness, and I hate how I take family too seriously, so much that it's shaping my mentality in a bad way. I'm living as a prisoner of my own past and other people's happiness. And I hate how emotional I can get sometimes, it's ridiculous.
Crying a lil while writing this because I've never exposed myself so much before.
I'm gonna regret writing this, but I'm gonna regret it more if I don't let it out.
xx.
