23rd December 2012. PMR results day. I sat in front of my class teacher and looked at her, jokingly saying "my Chinese didn't get A, right?" What came next wasn't a joke, because her face was smiling (in a serious way) and what came out next from her smiling mouth killed me in every way possible, "How'd you know girl?"
I hid my face and tears stream down as I walked briskly to the school entrance while calling my mum. No one was disappointed in me, everyone was congratulating me but I swear at that moment nothing hurts more than seeing all, and I mean ALL your friends cheering for straight A's. I head home, collected my luggage and head straight to the airport and flew to Singapore. On the way there was only one thing that cheered me up - deric scoring straight A's and headed out to celebrate with all our friends.
I cried for days and got very pissed everytime the word PMR come across my mind. During the first day of school, I came prepared knowing that I'll be placed in the second/third class due to my ugly results. While checking the class name list in the hall with a whole crowd of (sweaty) schoolmates, I did not see my name in the second and third class and I freaked out, thinking that a teacher left me out. A minute later, keanweng knocked on my shoulder and said "Honey, you're in alpha. How in the world...?"
What made my first day of school worst was when the headmistress called out every straight A student on stage and I was left alone below the stage. Since I was the only non straight A student, I was literally alone. I had stares, I had people laughing at me and feeling pitiful as I was sitting alone. It was horrible, it was terrifying and I had never felt like dying so bad before.
What was worst was that a month later, the whole class left for a class trip to collect their reward for scoring straight A's, and I was left behind. I hated myself. I hated the world. I hated how a single B could make me feel so alone in my life. I hated how I scored the same 7A's as all those "top scorers" but because I had an additional B, I was destined to not be called a "straight A student" and lose all the privileges. I cried, I shouted and I complained. I tried to live by the rule "do not cry over spilt milk" but how can I move on when I'm surrounded by straight A students everyday in the class, where they are a constant reminder of my failure.
That is how I felt being the only non straight A student in a top class.
And I vowed, to never let this happen again, because I know how it feels, I know how hurtful it was and I know how torturing it was to be the stupid-est student and a fucking misfit at the same time.
And it still hurts until today.
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(2013)
I survived 2 years in Alpha where I studied very hard and constantly push myself for better grades because I do not want PMR incident to happen again. The PMR incident was my biggest motivation.
21st March 2013. SPM results. I did not expect straight A's this time because I knew I did badly during my BM paper. Deric and I both was just expecting 8A's. We left the house late because we know that we won't be getting straight A's anymore. We were at the calm point of "acceptance".
On the way to school, Audrey called and I heard loud noised and cheering and applauses but I couldn't really hear her words. I kept asking her to repeat and I finally hear a line, "YOU GOT STRAIGHT A'S OMG WHERE ARE YOU GET HERE ASAP" and I stoned then she said the next line, "OH AND DERIC TOO. YOU BOTH GOT STRAIGHT A'S", then she hung up. I was left stoned and I told Deric what happened and I started shouting and cheering. I couldn't believe what I heard and neither did he.
When we reached, we park simply and we ran into the hall. The straight A students was having their pictures taken on stage. While we were both running towards the stage, I didn't actually believe I've gotten straight A's until students kept ushering me on stage, and I saw my smart classmates on stage hushing me to join them. I was so shocked and so overwhelmed and I didnt know what was going on but I just ran on stage. There were applauses as I was going up and join them for one last photography session.
I still felt overwhelmed. As I was on stage, I looked down, I saw my friends, my girlfriends, my gang, my jokers. I saw all the people I always hang out with below the stage, cheering for me, for us. Next, I looked around me. I looked at the people on stage, they were all my smart classmates, those who I knew would be very successful one day, those who were destined to always score straight A's in their lives. I was thinking to myself, "omg I'm at the same rank with them?"
As I walked down the stage, everyone was congratulating me, hugging me and repeatedly said how unexpected it was that I scored straight A's while most targeted students did not. I had so many hugs, so many wishes and so many messages and phone calls. Everyone knew I scored straight A's as my name was mentioned twice but I wasn't present. Even those who I barely talked to, walked to me and congratulated me. Teachers wishing me, juniors wishing me, EVERYONE. Meanwhile I was still trying to accept the fact that I've just scored straight A's, for the most important exam in my life.
THAT, was the proudest moment of my life, as I was crying tears of joy for the first time in my life.
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I hereby thank all my classmates who was always so kind and patient with me. Who always motivated me and tried to make me feel less like a loser during Form 4. I thank my girls who always cheered me up, deric and his boys who always provide positive motivation. I thank all my close friends who always stood alongside me. I thank my family for not expecting crazy good results. I thank deric for always comforting me when I had doubts. I thank may en for being my study companion.
Thinking back all the late night studying, sleepless nights, all the sufferings, all the crazy study schedules, all the bitch fights, all the drama, the tears, the terrifying thoughts and all the doubts I've ever had....
This, is fucking worth it.
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