currently on repeat: How To Be A Heartbreaker - Marina and the Diamonds

I don't know what's up with me lately. I just don't feel like talking most of the time... I love to bottle up my emotions lately and hide my expressions. I was not like this. Like when I wanna show that I'm very happy (eg: deric's surprise party), I was just trying to interpret mixed feelings and a billion thoughts in my mind. Months ago, my plan was to hug every single person in the room and thank them for being such darlings, and take tons of cute pictures etc etc. But on that day itself I just turned into stone. I am so sorry that that happened but I honestly don't know what's wrong. I was very very touched and happy and relieved and satisfied, I just couldn't show it. A billion things was running through my head and I can't express them. During dinner with his family, I wanted to speak to badly, I wanted to let them know who I really am but the amount of things running through my head just makes me stoned, again. I was so overwhelmed by the day, trying to absorb everything in. The success of the party, no-wardrobe-malfunction, the laughters and great comments from everybody and lastly his family's dinner. EVERYTHING was just too much for me. I can't speak, I can't interpret what my mind is thinking, at that day I was so lost, and there's no place I rather be than a black hole. Don't get me wrong, I was truly happy, but I think I was too happy to be alive, because I have never felt this happy before.

And now, I'm trying my best to search for scholarships online. I feel so bad having my mum to pay for my extremely expensive education just because I want to study in Nottingham Uni. Just because I like it there, I love the lecturers, I like the people, my mum has to pay 24k just for my pre u. I admit, I'm a spoiled kid. I want what I want and I will try to get it. She kept asking me to live my dream, to study what I want, to pursue what I like, but do I really, really want to spend the rest of my life doing psychology? I used to think yes but lately I'm considering the fees, the amount of stress and the competition I'll face during my career, do I still want this? I mean, I LOVE learning about the human mind but maybe it's just something I like to think about, not something I want to major in.

Performing arts? If there's a NYADA-like college in KL, I'll definitely go for it. So that definitely narrows down my choice.

Maybe you guys should also know that I'm terrified to grow up. I always get goosebumps or nightmares everytime I dream/fantasize/imagine myself in 5-10 years time. I'm scared of changes in my life. It's a very bad thing.