The breaking point:
A lovely birthday dinner for my sweet friend. With my other sweet friend. After dinner, I needed to talk to someone and let everything out. Deric was busy, my other sweet friend was free. I went to her house, blurted almost everything for 3 hours. i've had a terrible few weeks struggling internally with my thoughts and my fast paced surroundings. I needed the session. It was 2.30am, my sister spamming with texts saying that my mum is awake and waiting for me. I flew home. Confronted my parents and apologised. My mum wasn't easy. She suffers from medical and mental conditions. She yelled at me. Said I disappointed her. Said that I took advantage of everyone. Said I didn't understand her enough. Said that she has had enough of me. Said that the next time I go out at night, don't bother coming home. Then she guilt trip me saying she couldn't sleep for days and couldn't sleep after she yelled. I apologised again. Locked myself in my room at 3am. Cried until 5am at how messy my life is. Woke up 9am the next day with a heavy heart with suicidal tendencies.
Drove to the psychiatrist at 11am in tears, alone, no early preparations. I finally did it.
Am I sleeping well, ma? Am I sleeping well for days? Could I fall asleep after you yelled? Do I not suffer from the same medical and mental conditions as you do?
I have never been the same. You and I will never be the same.
_________________________________________________________
A retelling for the past weeks:
1. 3-4 weeks ago, spent 2 nights crying a week, before bed.
2. 1-2 weeks ago, spent 4 nights crying a week, before bed and between work shifts.
3. My ego and obsession with overachieving couldn't stop me from applying 2 new jobs starting May: research assistance in school of psychology and a daily homework tutor for a family.
4. New work timetable: research job in the AM, teaching from 3-10pm for 3 days, 3-7pm for 2 days.
5. Undergoing finals and current tuition jobs on top of that.
6. Feeling overwhelmed and anxious and over exhaustion for the past month.
7. I meet Deric 4-5 days a week. Mostly for lunches. For years.
8. Deric got a full-time job.
9. I lost a lunch buddy. And a sanctuary to chill between work shifts.
10. Having no support system physically and psychologically present between work shifts and for meals is actually affecting me more than I imagined.
11. Can't stay in room alone at night. 99% chances of overthinking, then crying.
12. Hence for the past few weeks, been going out way too often until 2-3am, breaking my curfews again and again. Hate the idea of staying home. Need to constantly be surrounded by people.
13. Until Thursday few days ago. Mum yelled at me at 2.30am. Was grounded. Spent the next 3 hours crying uncontrollably.
14. I then realised that I wasn't just obsessed with overachieving, I was also obsessed with not disappointing people.
15. 2 days later she had a panic attack and was hospitalised for 2 nights.
16. Dad used my going out against me.
17. Time passes very fast when you're dealing with your own mental conflicts and taking care of another individual that's also struggling internally.
18. Talked everything out with Deric and collapsed into a crying shitball.
19. On Friday morning, I woke up with a heavy chest and still experiencing mad crying spells. Rushed out to my car and drove to the psychiatrist in tears.
20. Broke down again in the psychiatric clinic. Alone.
21. Paid for my pills and arranged for my next session. Walked out sadly and ate lunch. Alone.
22. Honestly the amount of times I've had the thought to just drive into a lamp post and end everything temporarily is scarily too much.
23. Been on anti-depressants and mood stabilisers for 5 nights now. My chest still hurts, heart still beats fast, and I still can't breathe normally. But no crying spells for 5 days. Yes.
24. Deric introduced me to his new girl best friend (I said this) who he carpools with but I thought she was too quiet to be a best friend so I'm OK now.
25. My work has been tedious and mentally straining because FFS why are children such cunts nowadays.
26. Honestly still feeling very overwhelmed everyday. And not having D physically beside me when I need someone to hug is sad.
Reminder: In the midst of the whirlwind that has been going on (and accelerated) for the past week, I still have 2 more finals papers in 5 days. And I'm still re-adjusting to my medications and my mum's condition.
I
am
falling
so slowly
and drifting
and how long more
until
I
finally
feel
happiness
xx.
