Today I'd like to talk about that's affecting me heavily. And my boyfriend.
This post reflects me very intimately.
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I am a pessimist. I have a terrible childhood and a mother clinically diagnosed with depression, which perhaps might explain that.
It became worse when I had an incident 5 years ago in HS, where I'm widely known for being a rebel and a whore/slut. All my teachers looked at me in disgust. A menace to the school. A disgrace to my family. Conforming to the stereotype of a religion-less Chinese girl with "lost religious direction" and has succumbed to many sins. Framing me, accusing me, and most importantly, tarnished my reputation which ultimately led to the downfall of my already-low self esteem.
I'm thankful to have a boyfriend who stood by me. A family who believed in me. I'm thankful to be given the opportunity to see which friends stayed, and which spread ridiculous rumours about me. Those who made me their dinner table topic, those who let their mother dictate that they should not be seen together with a whore, I know who you are. I've chose to forgive you, but I do not forget.
What got me through was my strong will and determination to fix my reputation. To find flaws, work on them and let no one have anything bad to say about me. It worked. I was doing so well academically and have since grew more cautious, less dependant.
Which ultimately led to today's problem - I am now obsessed with the idea of being perfect. With being the best I could be, better than everybody else.
I am constantly finding faults. I have tangled thoughts. I feel lost and insecure. A thought that have always been in my head would be "am I feeling correctly?". I don't know how to react after I feel something, fearing that I may be abnormal. Too sensitive, as my boyfriend calls me. Too complicated. Too sad.
I've spoke to my university counsellor 4 times. I have called up Befrienders 3 times. I study psychology. I have friends who study psychology. I open up to people, especially my boyfriend, about things that truly bother me. Let me remind you this - I am not the type of person to sit idly by and not fix something.
Apparently the root of my problem would be difficulty in accepting myself. Difficulty in loving myself. Difficulty in feeling happy without feeling guilty. My thoughts are constantly swaying to a negative side, and I really, REALLY don't know how to stop it.
I have found my coping mechanism, though. I feed on positive remarks. I feed on encouragement. Most importantly, I feed on attention. And now I'm having troubles receiving them. My boyfriend is tired of me. He keeps quiet when I cry, says he's tired of handling me and asks why am I so hard to date.
"You're so hard to date," I quote from him. "I've tried everything but lately I'm so tired, and annoyed," He continues. "It is very hard on me."
I know. I'm sorry. My head feels so heavy whenever I'm sad. It's really not easy on me too.
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This is the chapter where I know I need to seek help.
This is a brief journal of my tangled thoughts. Mostly negative and toxic.
- After the incident 5 years ago, out of frustration of being unable to redeem myself and having my boyfriend play "silent treatment", I've cut my wrist. Twice.
- I have imagined dropping a homemade bomb in my teachers room too many times when they framed me.
- When I walk past a mirror lately, I am in denial that that's me. I've gained 5kg over the course of 6 months.
- I deprived myself of my probiotics, just so I would get gastric more frequently, so I'm forced to eat clean.
- My boyfriend once said to me, "you're not doing enough", because my workout routine is too mild. The mere thought of that line is enough to make me cry. He apologised. I didn't forget.
- I get angry when I'm not better than the people around me. I am easily jealous.
- Being a pessimistic perfectionist, I fill my time up with various activities. Unaware that the emotional toll was a huge drawback.
- I cry to my boyfriend at least once a week.
- When he doesn't give me the support I need, I call Befrienders up at 3am and continue crying. I am constantly finding faults.
- I am constantly unsure how I should treat my boyfriend. I am now, as he confirms it, "TOO CLINGY".
- I subconsciously plan our everyday routine together. I am obsessed with knowing that everything is going according to plan. Including his.
- My boyfriend demands more space, but I feel like he's not giving me enough attention. We fought often over that.
- Being obsessed with the idea of having everything under my control, I even get obsessed over making sure all the lights in my house are closed and my sister eats her fruits.
- I am constantly torn between what's right and what's wrong. I only want to do the right thing. Then I hate it so much that I want to do the wrong thing.
- I do not feel happiness anymore.
An example: When I'm with a group of people, enjoying my drinks and jokes and fun, a negative thought will suddenly pop up, eg "why isn't my boyfriend smiling" or "man I know ____ is forcefully spending time with me". And poof, guess who's not happy anymore.
An example: I cry when I jog and think of jumping off a building because I know I'm never going to look attractive.
An example: When I cry and my boyfriend talks me about solutions, I get angry; when he talks about me seeking help, I get angry; when he don't talk at all, I get angry.
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My boyfriend is not clingy. He is not a romantic. He is not a firm believer of the states of mental health.
I am all the opposite of that.
I can't help feeling so negative, have such a low mood constantly and forever wishing my boyfriend would just be clingy and attentive towards me. He refuses to give me my dose of sugar. He believes everyones should solve their own problem. He's annoyed. He wants his space and wants me to "stop being so pessimistic".
I hope you take my pleas seriously too, if you want to still stay.
But Deric, for the record, I really can't help it.
And I also understand that a successful relationship requires two people willing to fight for another.. and I could see you're not a fighter.
But I understand it's a bigger part on me to fix this.
May things get better, for the both of us.
xx.
