just when I thought I got all my shit together and actually managed to get through one of the most hectic week in my life.. I just fucked my sunday night up.

idk what's wrong, who's at fault, who's to blame. idk how to act, to react, to analyse situations. idk how to handle, manage, solve. idk where did my rationality and conciousness go.

idk about this life anymore. things i do are always not right, idk is it me or people around me. i just don't know. idk how to clean things up after i fuck it up, idk how to prevent things to be fucked up. idk how to act anymore. idk what's wrong and what's right.

this is getting so crazy. my life is getting so crazy. i have so many things going around i can't think anymore.

and why does it seems that everyone else around me is attacking me at the same time.

or is it just me.

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why does it seem that no one else cares anymore. no one else talks to me personally anymore. no one ever asks how am i deep down. i don't get "how are you" anymore.

because i'm fucked up.

and idk how to fix myself.

and i just want someone to fix me.

or just wipe my tears away right now so i could see what i'm typing.

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i can do this life alone. i know i can. and i'm doing it.

but right now, or once in a while, where are people for me to talk to.

i know i'm gonna wake up tomorrow at 7am, i'm gonna struggle, but i will get up, get dressed, wear my makeup, drive to school and go through the cycle of hard work again. and i will do it all with smiles outside and hide whatever emotions i have.

because no one wants to hear you out. they only love the happy side of you.

but now i'm sad. so i'm alone. because no one likes a sad person.

but why..........

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i feel like this superbly suddenly big change of hectic lifestyle is changing me as a whole. it is bad. i'm not happy anymore.

idk how to be happy anymore.

i have not been laughing in the longest time.

i'm always sad.

but why.......

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so many questions, so many emotions, but where to put it....

idk who i'm pissing off and idk why, idk why am i sad and idk why am i not satisfied always.

i just finish my major assignment but i'm not happy. why.....

i just went through 2 hectic weeks (including having a high fever) without crying and actually managing to finish all my work load but why am i crying now....

i'm so messed up, my soul.. it feels like it does not belong to me anymore.

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last month i cry because i'm overwhelmed about the amount of stress i'm about to go through.

now i'm almost done with the workload and i'm crying because i feel like i'm changing and i'm not happy... at all.

that's the problem.. i'm a negative person now. a pessimist, a realist, a negative person.

i turned mean and harsh. i lost my soul. i lost my happiness.

idk how to fix myself.....

right now i just want someone to bring me tissues because i could feel salt and water and mucus going down my face.

right now i just want someone to come up to me to grant me permission to go far, far away and rest.

right now i just want someone to pull the trigger on my head.

...

...

...

i don't wanna live anymore. i really don't.... why isn't commiting suicide a lot easier.

i believe i am strong.

perhaps tonight's not my night. or the other nights. or the rest of my life.